Resources to help parent children in a sexualized culture

 Where do I go, as a parent, to be on the offense when it comes to addressing our sexualized culture with my child?

Is there any way that a parent can parent AND be a partner with their child in battling the many pitfalls and lies that are out there?

Is there hope if my child has already been dealing with porn use or addiction for years without me knowing about it?

Is it possible to even expect that our whole family can be completely porn-free?

The answer to all of these questions can most certainly be answered in a positive way, in a way that brings hope to you, those around you, and those who come after you.

This post is simply a listing of places you can go for a healthy perspective and where you can know that many people like you are able to address each of these questions in a very victorious and God-honoring way.

Here they are, in no particular order:

This Talking to Toddlers link helps parents address pornography, from a mom who’s recovered from her own struggle.

This 30-minute podcast announces a forthcoming resource and talk with the creators of this popular documentary, “Into The Light.”

Defendyoungminds.com is dedicated to helping parents talk to their kids about sex.  They are the creators of the “Good Pictures Bad Pictures” books.

Barb Winters, founder of HopefulMom.net and author of Sexpectations, was interviewed by the Pure Desire podcast regarding, “Helping Next Gen Navigate Healthy Relationships.”

”God’s Design for Sex” book series, updated in 2019, includes four books intended to read with your children up to the age of 12.

Stay tuned and refer to the website of the organization that I help lead.  Broken Strength is a Christian non-profit that helps churches help their men battle for sexual purity and spiritual maturity.  Our resource page seek to equip men, women, parents, and teens with the many good, biblical resources out there.

Our only hope, but our sure hope, is in the One who created the universe, created our world, created human beings, and created sex to be enjoyed thoroughly in the bonds of the marriage of a man and a woman.  What if sex has always been reserved for JUST this context?  We clearly would not have many of the ills that our culture currently has.

In order to finish with how the Bible describes this hope, I will simply give you 1 Peter 5:8-11:

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

The Straw Man Help us Sleep at Night

There will always be people we disagree with and who disagree with us.  The more that you talk about things that you’re passionate about, the more clear those lines of disagreement are, the more numerous become your opponents.

It’s almost easier to just live life without opinion, to never vote, to commit to no particular group of people (e.g., religion), to choose entertainment over information, and to live life only to please one person . . . yourself.   It does seem easier, but it really isn’t, is it?  We each have opinions and there’s something inside of us that we truly care about - it’s part of what makes us human. 

Our tendency, when approached with a different opinion, is to create a scenario about that opinion, or take a bad example of that opinion, and prop it up as THE opinion.  In debate terms, this is a form of the “straw man” argument, where a viewpoint is distorted or a hidden agenda is assumed of the others’ opinion.  When we do this, then it’s easier to justify our own opinion and we sleep better.  Or do we?

It happens all the time, but rarely is it called out for what it actually is.  Let’s truly get down to the nitty-gritty of how we create “straw men” out of each other.  Hmmm, how do I do this without creating a Straw Man out of those who do this?  Well, it’s rather difficult, but the first order of business is that we need to assume the best (or better) of people and we also need to come to the realization that our argument probably has its deficiencies as well.  Based on these two solutions, there is one area that will continue to be the most guilty of Straw Man - politics.  As a result, we will not seek to solve that problem, but will move on to topics and areas where we can actually make a difference.

How about the present LGBTQ+ discussions that are happening both within church circles and outside of any religious discussion?  What if I, as a straight, married, Christian man, welcomed someone who identifies as being part of the LGBTQ+ community into my life as a friend, a co-worker, or a church-goer?  Using the terms distorted and hidden agenda, some would say that what I’m REALLY doing (hidden agenda) is befriending them in order to get them to see that their behavior is wrong so that they change.  Others would distort my kindness and friendliness into a full  agreement with all that the people in the LGBTQ+ community stand for, as if it’s impossible to truly love someone with whom you don’t see eye-to-eye.

Let’s really get dicey and talk about this issue within church circles.  Woo-Hoo!  If I am willing to use the term “gay Christian” and continue to fellowship with and take communion with and welcome them into the membership of my local church, I am seen by many as not taking God’s creation account seriously enough (distortion) or that what I’m really after or open to is sanctifying gay marriage or helping people fully transition (hidden agenda).  On the other hand, if I were to be of the mindset that I wanted to HELP my brothers or sisters in the Lord who are same-sex attracted, some would wonder, “Why does he think they need help?” Or, “He only cares about them if they were somehow attracted to the opposite sex!”

Already, I have probably fallen into this same fallacy.  Partly because it is just what happens and partly because I want to get down to my point in all of this.  But not quite yet.  First, allow me to give a few more examples of how we suffer from this illness across all areas of our life.  COVID-19 revealed a renaissance of the straw man, making maskers into the paranoid and non-maskers into the careless, or even hateful.  Any opinionated athlete or celebrity loses endorsements or is vilified in the media (there I go into my own “media straw man”) because they don’t get a chance to, or get heard out, for why they believe what they believe (Kyrie Irving, Aaron Rodgers, Lucy Lawless, Johnny Depp, Matthew McConnehay, etc.).  Oops, I’ve actually named names, now I’m opening up myself to people who will try to label my “take” on these people.  How would you respond to the quickly growing trend of women out-earning their husbands or partners (4% in 1960  and nearly 50% in 2020)?  Is this good or bad?  Your concern or celebration over this may open you up to distortions or accusations of hidden agendas.

All sides of all debates in all arenas across all platforms need a good dose of something that plagues every human - humility.  A true humility, those who we can look at and can truly witness their high character, is hard to find.  False humility seems pretty easy to spot, but then when we think we see humility from afar, we doubt it because “there’s got to be something up with them, right?”  Exactly!  That’s the point, there is something up with them, and with you, and with me!  When we can go about our days, have our discussions, and even talk about our disagreements in ways that seek to see the other person accurately (NOT distort) and have seeking to be heard as our true desire (no hidden agendas), then true civility and progress can be made.  Wait, you may say, what is progress?  Getting what YOU want?  Doing things YOUR way?  Making YOUR point in this blog post?  I would say that progress is, in your own sphere of influence, being a person who seeks to see people for who they really are (no distortion) and understand that you will need to work hard to both communicate your thoughts (no hidden agenda) and to change in order to be the person that you want to be.

Hard to Find

Why is it so hard to live a life that is full of integrity?  Why do all of the things in life that bring long-lasting joy seem so illusive?  Why is it so much easier for me to watch a super-hero movie than to practice being a hero to my son or daughter?

When it comes to activism, it is much easier to complain about somebody else’s failures, no matter how minor, than to take a close look at my own failures, no matter how egregious. 

85% of online searches are operated by Google.  Even worse, 95% of mobile traffic is run through Google.  For the fallout of such a monopoly, see this (https://blog.hubspot.com/marketing/top-search-engines).  For our purposes, it is safe to say that whatever comes up in Google is going to help us understand our culture because this is where we get our information.  Late one early December, 2023 evening, I googled, “Sean McDermott 9 11 comments” and received a list that included over 10 articles that were 20 hours old or newer.  The Buffalo Bills coach made some awful comments in 2019 relating 9/11 attack planning to planning for a football game.  Soon after the original comments he profusely apologized.  Many players that were in that locker room don’t even recall the comments - I’m sure they were focused on doing their job well and knew their coach was trying to motivate them, brushing off the oddness of the comments and going on with their job.  Plus, as we are finding out, Coach McDermott’s character is such that his players didn’t take it as a serious matter.  Now, in 2023, as those comments how somehow resurfaced, Coach McDermott has to re-state his regret and apologize all over again.

Next, I googled “anti-Semitism college campuses” and received only 3 articles that were within the last 20 hours.  Many were already one week old and, of course, most of them were older than what happened on Capital Hill this past Wednesday (December 6, 2023 testimonies from 3 major college presidents).  Where is the widespread uproar?  A major college president saying that calling for genocide doesn’t break the school’s conduct policy?  Well, if it’s all over the internet, Google certainly doesn’t want us to hear about it or research it. (NOTE:  that college president would resign within 4 days of her comments).

This isn’t a knock on Google but rather a reality check of what we as the general public want, based on our actions.  I may really want to eat healthy, but if you look at my eating habits over the past week, what will you find out?  At the risk of over-simplifying, people write about, research, report on, and are apt to read about stuff that really doesn’t require much of them.  It’s no secret that sports shows have moved their formats from highlights and game strategy critique to talking heads debating and fuming over missed calls and who’s the best or worst.  As they talk about athletes, teams, and leagues, it’s about topics that, in one week or less, won’t matter.  We want to talk about what JUST happened or what’s ABOUT to happen, not how sports gives us insight into the human-spirit or how to overcome our own hurdles or hurdles placed in front of us by others.  

It’s easy to complain about the “next generation” that doesn’t seem to take responsibility for their actions or has a horrible work ethic.  Yet, what are we as millennials or Gen-Xers willing to do in the middle of our own context, the only place where we can actually make a difference?  Let’s stop blaming coaches or university presidents.  

For an example that’s right in front of our face, literally, let’s realize that TV executives and movie producers will always follow the profits ahead of any prophets.  Complaining and lamenting the state of our entertainment industry will not change that industry and will do us little, if any, good . . . unless we start dealing with ourselves and those in our home.  One simple (yet hard) step is to drastically limit screen time and put loving, bold parameters around access to unmonitored phone usage by our young people.  Heck, as adults we need parameters around our own phone usage, right?!  What have you got to lose?  What is there to gain?

Are you finding accurate, trustworthy news and information hard to find?  Consider that a person willing to humbly address their own weaknesses and failures is even harder to find.  Be that person who keeps entertainment and social media on a short leash in your life and your home - you’re in charge of them, not the other way around.

“Is it a sin to . . .?”

When I was a youth pastor and we would be talking about dating, love, marriage, and sex, I would give the students a chance to write down questions anonymously.  Many questions would try to get some clarification, around the topic of physical touch, of what actually is a sin.  Even in our adulthood, we want to know what is an action that is “allowable” in God’s eyes but yet not officially sin.  If we can somehow maybe figure out that magical line between dabbling in fun, even questionable, behavior but not actually sinning, then we can truly have our cake and eat it too, right?

Here’s the catch . . . we’ve been making and enjoying the wrong cake all along.  The culture around us has been increasingly communicating that we should pursue whatever feelings we have sexually, as long as it’s mutual and doesn’t hurt anyone.  Plus, if we don’t have our guard up, our identity will be more defined by our sexual preference, our “chosen” gender, and our sin, rather than how God sees us.  It’s no wonder that we never feel satisfied, when we’re chasing after an ever-changing “cake.”

Let’s return to that question above, “When have I actually crossed that line?”   With this question, we assume two things:  The main sin issue that we need to be concerned about is physical AND God reluctantly allows us to have some fun, but He’s got to draw the line somewhere.  Let’s use an unrelated topic as an illustration: gambling.  Does God approve of gambling?  The better question is, “Since God’s in charge of money, what does he have to say about it?”  When we do this, we start thinking about how best to steward the money that we have, because it’s actually God’s money that He’s given us to use for the best eternal benefits.  Sure, it’s a more convicting way to look at it :-\, but it’s also the more liberating way to look at it because it produces the best results financially, emotionally, relationally, spiritually, etc.

So, the questions that brings us to the most fulfilling, abundant life are questions like this:  “Does God have anything to say about sex?  What is his desire for me right now as a male/female?”  We’re afraid of the answers for numerous reasons:  

• We may have to admit that we’ve already sinned.

• We think we won’t get to do what we really want to do.

• We won’t have the strength or ability to do what God wants.

• We, if we’re honest, just don’t like the answer, “No.”  

What is the cake that you’re truly wanting to eat?  Is that “cake” bringing you deep satisfaction and helping you become the person you want to be?  God has the best recipe regarding sex and has the only proven way that sex finds its right place in our lives: between a man and woman within the context of a marriage relationship.  As a result, sex becomes the beautiful thing that it was always supposed to be.  Unfortunately, for way too many people, sex is anything but a beautiful thing - it has caused hurt, destruction, pain, and created more hurdles than doorways.  Yet, there is true forgiveness, there is lots of fun, and there is always grace to be able to start doing the right thing.  God invites all honest interaction around this topic, He’s able to handle all our inquiries.

So, rather than trying to do whatever you can on your own while not offending God too much, how about making your life and sex life about honoring the one who created sex to begin with?  Take the principles found in Genesis 2:18-25 and Matthew 5:27-30, follow Jesus with all you are, and see how God transforms your questions and your life.  Oh yea, make sure you have someone pursuing this with you - we need each other.

There’s lots of great resources, here’s two that help give perspective:  www.apathtopurity.org and www.christian-sexuality.com.

Porn is not real

Yet another reason why I love sports is because it is so REAL!  You have two people, or two teams, that are doing their best to win a game and they are all trying to be the best they can be, in the midst of who they actually are.  There’s no acting or pretending, just pure effort and emotion.

On the other hand, much of the entertainment industry is based on people being somebody or doing something that’s been rehearsed or airbrushed or polished in some way.  To be sure, I understand that many movies and TV shows have value despite the fact that those people aren’t really being “themselves.”  There value, though, is because they are seeking to portray real life human activity, emotions, and situations in such a way that it gets you to think about your own situation and even opens your eyes to the much different lives that real people do actually live.  

What IS NOT real about much of media is what brings me to the title of this post.  When people post suggestive or evocative content on line just to get followers, this is harmful (side note:  When content is created to play on people’s fears or to give them permission to satisfy a lustful craving, this is harmful).  Pornography is exactly this.  Humans and their sexuality are intimately connected.  We were created to be relational, to be intimate, and to be sexual, among other things.  When sex, as it is often portrayed, is overwhelmingly communicated in unrealistic ways and in ways that would be unhealthy in real life, that is extremely harmful to all involved.

Examples of this are wide-ranging.  It could be as sublime as portraying sex in popular rom-coms or romance movies, or even many dramas and action flicks, as fulfilling for both partners after just one night or one experience.  Or it could be as blatant as the sex that the multi-billion dollar porn industry ($15-$95 billion per year) portrays.  In these choreographed sex scenes, for instance, both partners perfectly perform with the right bodies and both are equally and easily satisfied.  Or, as an example of something even more damaging, 80% of the top-50-viewed porn movies depicted violence against women.  Of these violent scenes, about 90% of these females had either a neutral or positive reaction to it.  When we as a culture portray sex in such a way and when parents even allow their kids to have access to all kinds of images and pornography in the name of “growing up” or some sort of “right of passage”, we set up young men and women for failure.  We set up everyone for marriages where sex is viewed as, at best, an obligation and, at worst, a chore or ignoring it all together.  Why?  Because our culture has wired brains to think that multiple partners, pornography, and “keeping it spicy” are what sex is all about. 

No one can measure up to things that we aren’t even made for!  So, first, know that anything porn-related (any printed or visual material intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings) must be eradicated from your life because it’s meant to do something that you were created to have, but only from your spouse.  Second, know that if this sounds daunting to you, you are not alone.  There are reasons why pornography is a cultural epidemic: it is highly addictive AND culturally acceptable.  Third, know that the God who created you with all of these desires has a plan for you and wants to bring you to Himself and walk you through fulfilling these desires in His way (which is the best way!).  There are many helpful tools and websites (puredesire.org, apathtopurity.org, covenanteyes.org) to get you going, but please do whatever it takes to have a plan.  The lives of our families and the well-being of our children are at stake!

The Religion of the NFL

 Believe it or not, this is not a piece that will vilify the NFL.  I don't have time to stand in that line of "enemies of the NFL," which is a religion of its own.  Plus, that line is long enough and, admittedly, I kind of like football and am a die hard Bronco fan.  

The National Football League reached a low in 2016-2017 in viewership of only 14.9 million per game, down 10% from the previous year due to many issues, mainly on the political front.  The next off-season the Supreme Court opened the door for the expansion of gambling on sporting events.  Viewership had risen every year from then until the 2021-2022 season.  Though less have watched over the past two years, gambling has more than doubled over the past two years!  One way or another, the NFL has a pull, a draw, an addicting nature to it, it seems.

People are looking for something to follow, to run to, to fall back on in the midst of a world that is growing increasingly tiring and hateful.  Religion, simply put, is man's way of making sense of things, or of getting to God, if your one to believe that God makes sense of things.  In my case, a biblically-accurate Christianity is how I "get to God."  By God's grace in sending Jesus into the world to die for the world's sins, He has opened the door for all who repent of the their sins and believe by faith in the person and work of Jesus to have eternal life.  In other words, it wasn't my effort that saved me, it was God's actions towards me.

What is your way of making sense of things?  Maybe you dive into your job, or a hobby, or your family.  Maybe your stuck in an unhealthy cycle of drug, alcohol, porn, or gambling addiction?  Maybe it's your relationship with God that is bringing you perspective?  Everybody has something they default to, or numerous things that compete for their attention.  The NFL is an easy way to fill that void, to be sure, yet it still falls short.  Even if you increase your interest in the NFL by betting or doing fantasy football or building a friend group around your team, it still will always fall short of making sense of things.  As I've argued earlier, football holds some great life lessons in it, both for fans and players.  Also, it's a blast to follow the story-lines and the unpredictable nature of almost any game (hey, my Broncos almost pulled off an upset and scored four touchdowns in one game, so anything is possible).  Yet, the NFL, nor anything else that briefly distracts us from the world, will ever truly help us.

Each person needs something that will fulfill their expectations of creating lasting purpose, giving real peace, and producing joy beyond your circumstances.  A religion CAN NOT do this because religion will always be centered on OUR EFFORTS.  Yes, there are certain Christian efforts that unintentionally make it all about us.  Yet, the essence of Christianity is not a religion, but a lifestyle of following Jesus and making Him our aim, our focus, our Lord.  Whatever you default to . . . how's that working for you?  

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."  Romans 8:28 nails it!  His purpose for us is our best purpose ever.  Go ahead and dive into whatever healthy job or hobby you have.  Go ahead and get the help you need to get away from the unhealthy coping mechanisms you have.  But do it all while telling God, often, that He's your focus, your favorite, your Lord. 

Doing, fully, what you believe in.

Both in Tom Cruise's The Firm and Jim Carey's Liar Liar we find very similar plot lines, though carried out in two completely different ways.  The answer to the stereotypically unethical law practice is to dive fully into the practice of law as it was always meant to be practiced.  Though in practice it probably doesn't usually turn out this way, the point of the movies is that doing things the right way will always win out in the end.  But what if you are committed to being an ethical lawyer that does your job very well and thorough and by-the-book?  Will you always, or even mostly, win out in the end?  Will you thrive in your practice?  I'd like to think the answer is, "YES!" but I have no idea because I'm not a lawyer.

What do you do if you're on a team or part of a business or part of a church and things aren't going very well?  To what degree do you start doing things differently, or do you change your values, or do you give up all together?  How do you stick to what's right and true and pure?

Whether it's practicing law, medicine, leadership, or life, the only way to get through your days and weather the many storms is to double down on the essence of why you do what you do.  Know what you believe in, make sure it's worth believing, and 100% run with it.  There will be no greater regret when you come to the end of your working days (or your actual days) then if you held back from what you knew you needed to do.

There are certain truths from all of these professional disciplines that everybody accepts as non-negotiables.  One truth that supersedes them all and effects them all is the truth of the existence and activity of an all-loving, all-powerful, all-wise God.  His existence is not dependent on your belief in Him or not.  His activity is not dependent on whether you want Him to be active or not.  His presence, though, is deeply effected by whether you really want Him to walk with you or not.  He knows when He's wanted and He knows the heart of each man and woman.  As a result, we cannot fully understand His ways and why He does (or doesn't do) what He does.  But, we who trust Him and love Him can count on His many promises.

Psalm 91 holds promise to all who double down on their belief in this great God.  He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say to the LORD, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."  But it's not because of smooth waters that the writer has this conviction, for he lists the many hardships - "snare of the fowler," "deadly pestilence," "terror of the night," "arrow that flies by day," "pestilence that stalks the darkness," and "destruction that wastes at noonday."  It's BECAUSE God is all that He says He is and has proven faithful for thousands and thousands of years that I will never turn my back on Him.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, in my life even touches these descriptions or the many examples in history of men and women who have suffered greatly and died while suffering yet never denying their savior and their God.

Stick to your convictions.  Yet, make sure these convictions dovetail with the reality of the God of the Bible.  If you do this, you won't stray far and He will always answer you, rescue you, and be your refuge.