Hard to Find

Why is it so hard to live a life that is full of integrity?  Why do all of the things in life that bring long-lasting joy seem so illusive?  Why is it so much easier for me to watch a super-hero movie than to practice being a hero to my son or daughter?

When it comes to activism, it is much easier to complain about somebody else’s failures, no matter how minor, than to take a close look at my own failures, no matter how egregious. 

85% of online searches are operated by Google.  Even worse, 95% of mobile traffic is run through Google.  For the fallout of such a monopoly, see this (https://blog.hubspot.com/marketing/top-search-engines).  For our purposes, it is safe to say that whatever comes up in Google is going to help us understand our culture because this is where we get our information.  Late one early December, 2023 evening, I googled, “Sean McDermott 9 11 comments” and received a list that included over 10 articles that were 20 hours old or newer.  The Buffalo Bills coach made some awful comments in 2019 relating 9/11 attack planning to planning for a football game.  Soon after the original comments he profusely apologized.  Many players that were in that locker room don’t even recall the comments - I’m sure they were focused on doing their job well and knew their coach was trying to motivate them, brushing off the oddness of the comments and going on with their job.  Plus, as we are finding out, Coach McDermott’s character is such that his players didn’t take it as a serious matter.  Now, in 2023, as those comments how somehow resurfaced, Coach McDermott has to re-state his regret and apologize all over again.

Next, I googled “anti-Semitism college campuses” and received only 3 articles that were within the last 20 hours.  Many were already one week old and, of course, most of them were older than what happened on Capital Hill this past Wednesday (December 6, 2023 testimonies from 3 major college presidents).  Where is the widespread uproar?  A major college president saying that calling for genocide doesn’t break the school’s conduct policy?  Well, if it’s all over the internet, Google certainly doesn’t want us to hear about it or research it. (NOTE:  that college president would resign within 4 days of her comments).

This isn’t a knock on Google but rather a reality check of what we as the general public want, based on our actions.  I may really want to eat healthy, but if you look at my eating habits over the past week, what will you find out?  At the risk of over-simplifying, people write about, research, report on, and are apt to read about stuff that really doesn’t require much of them.  It’s no secret that sports shows have moved their formats from highlights and game strategy critique to talking heads debating and fuming over missed calls and who’s the best or worst.  As they talk about athletes, teams, and leagues, it’s about topics that, in one week or less, won’t matter.  We want to talk about what JUST happened or what’s ABOUT to happen, not how sports gives us insight into the human-spirit or how to overcome our own hurdles or hurdles placed in front of us by others.  

It’s easy to complain about the “next generation” that doesn’t seem to take responsibility for their actions or has a horrible work ethic.  Yet, what are we as millennials or Gen-Xers willing to do in the middle of our own context, the only place where we can actually make a difference?  Let’s stop blaming coaches or university presidents.  

For an example that’s right in front of our face, literally, let’s realize that TV executives and movie producers will always follow the profits ahead of any prophets.  Complaining and lamenting the state of our entertainment industry will not change that industry and will do us little, if any, good . . . unless we start dealing with ourselves and those in our home.  One simple (yet hard) step is to drastically limit screen time and put loving, bold parameters around access to unmonitored phone usage by our young people.  Heck, as adults we need parameters around our own phone usage, right?!  What have you got to lose?  What is there to gain?

Are you finding accurate, trustworthy news and information hard to find?  Consider that a person willing to humbly address their own weaknesses and failures is even harder to find.  Be that person who keeps entertainment and social media on a short leash in your life and your home - you’re in charge of them, not the other way around.

“Is it a sin to . . .?”

When I was a youth pastor and we would be talking about dating, love, marriage, and sex, I would give the students a chance to write down questions anonymously.  Many questions would try to get some clarification, around the topic of physical touch, of what actually is a sin.  Even in our adulthood, we want to know what is an action that is “allowable” in God’s eyes but yet not officially sin.  If we can somehow maybe figure out that magical line between dabbling in fun, even questionable, behavior but not actually sinning, then we can truly have our cake and eat it too, right?

Here’s the catch . . . we’ve been making and enjoying the wrong cake all along.  The culture around us has been increasingly communicating that we should pursue whatever feelings we have sexually, as long as it’s mutual and doesn’t hurt anyone.  Plus, if we don’t have our guard up, our identity will be more defined by our sexual preference, our “chosen” gender, and our sin, rather than how God sees us.  It’s no wonder that we never feel satisfied, when we’re chasing after an ever-changing “cake.”

Let’s return to that question above, “When have I actually crossed that line?”   With this question, we assume two things:  The main sin issue that we need to be concerned about is physical AND God reluctantly allows us to have some fun, but He’s got to draw the line somewhere.  Let’s use an unrelated topic as an illustration: gambling.  Does God approve of gambling?  The better question is, “Since God’s in charge of money, what does he have to say about it?”  When we do this, we start thinking about how best to steward the money that we have, because it’s actually God’s money that He’s given us to use for the best eternal benefits.  Sure, it’s a more convicting way to look at it :-\, but it’s also the more liberating way to look at it because it produces the best results financially, emotionally, relationally, spiritually, etc.

So, the questions that brings us to the most fulfilling, abundant life are questions like this:  “Does God have anything to say about sex?  What is his desire for me right now as a male/female?”  We’re afraid of the answers for numerous reasons:  

• We may have to admit that we’ve already sinned.

• We think we won’t get to do what we really want to do.

• We won’t have the strength or ability to do what God wants.

• We, if we’re honest, just don’t like the answer, “No.”  

What is the cake that you’re truly wanting to eat?  Is that “cake” bringing you deep satisfaction and helping you become the person you want to be?  God has the best recipe regarding sex and has the only proven way that sex finds its right place in our lives: between a man and woman within the context of a marriage relationship.  As a result, sex becomes the beautiful thing that it was always supposed to be.  Unfortunately, for way too many people, sex is anything but a beautiful thing - it has caused hurt, destruction, pain, and created more hurdles than doorways.  Yet, there is true forgiveness, there is lots of fun, and there is always grace to be able to start doing the right thing.  God invites all honest interaction around this topic, He’s able to handle all our inquiries.

So, rather than trying to do whatever you can on your own while not offending God too much, how about making your life and sex life about honoring the one who created sex to begin with?  Take the principles found in Genesis 2:18-25 and Matthew 5:27-30, follow Jesus with all you are, and see how God transforms your questions and your life.  Oh yea, make sure you have someone pursuing this with you - we need each other.

There’s lots of great resources, here’s two that help give perspective:  www.apathtopurity.org and www.christian-sexuality.com.

Porn is not real

Yet another reason why I love sports is because it is so REAL!  You have two people, or two teams, that are doing their best to win a game and they are all trying to be the best they can be, in the midst of who they actually are.  There’s no acting or pretending, just pure effort and emotion.

On the other hand, much of the entertainment industry is based on people being somebody or doing something that’s been rehearsed or airbrushed or polished in some way.  To be sure, I understand that many movies and TV shows have value despite the fact that those people aren’t really being “themselves.”  There value, though, is because they are seeking to portray real life human activity, emotions, and situations in such a way that it gets you to think about your own situation and even opens your eyes to the much different lives that real people do actually live.  

What IS NOT real about much of media is what brings me to the title of this post.  When people post suggestive or evocative content on line just to get followers, this is harmful (side note:  When content is created to play on people’s fears or to give them permission to satisfy a lustful craving, this is harmful).  Pornography is exactly this.  Humans and their sexuality are intimately connected.  We were created to be relational, to be intimate, and to be sexual, among other things.  When sex, as it is often portrayed, is overwhelmingly communicated in unrealistic ways and in ways that would be unhealthy in real life, that is extremely harmful to all involved.

Examples of this are wide-ranging.  It could be as sublime as portraying sex in popular rom-coms or romance movies, or even many dramas and action flicks, as fulfilling for both partners after just one night or one experience.  Or it could be as blatant as the sex that the multi-billion dollar porn industry ($15-$95 billion per year) portrays.  In these choreographed sex scenes, for instance, both partners perfectly perform with the right bodies and both are equally and easily satisfied.  Or, as an example of something even more damaging, 80% of the top-50-viewed porn movies depicted violence against women.  Of these violent scenes, about 90% of these females had either a neutral or positive reaction to it.  When we as a culture portray sex in such a way and when parents even allow their kids to have access to all kinds of images and pornography in the name of “growing up” or some sort of “right of passage”, we set up young men and women for failure.  We set up everyone for marriages where sex is viewed as, at best, an obligation and, at worst, a chore or ignoring it all together.  Why?  Because our culture has wired brains to think that multiple partners, pornography, and “keeping it spicy” are what sex is all about. 

No one can measure up to things that we aren’t even made for!  So, first, know that anything porn-related (any printed or visual material intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings) must be eradicated from your life because it’s meant to do something that you were created to have, but only from your spouse.  Second, know that if this sounds daunting to you, you are not alone.  There are reasons why pornography is a cultural epidemic: it is highly addictive AND culturally acceptable.  Third, know that the God who created you with all of these desires has a plan for you and wants to bring you to Himself and walk you through fulfilling these desires in His way (which is the best way!).  There are many helpful tools and websites (puredesire.org, apathtopurity.org, covenanteyes.org) to get you going, but please do whatever it takes to have a plan.  The lives of our families and the well-being of our children are at stake!